i've come a long way

It was really cold last night, I went for a walk to Mark's place in it. I like walking in the cold. Something about walking at night when it's really cold brings out a certain feeling in me. I also like the idea that I am the only person walking the path that is usually packed full of people on summer days. Occasionally I'll see someone else, walking alone, and I wonder what they're thinking about. Do they have a place to be? Are they just going for a walk to think and clear their head? Maybe both, like me.

The female gender puzzles me on a daily basis. Not always in the romantic sense, but in every way.

I usually do a good job of hiding my feelings if I am angry or sad when I am with my friends, but not as much lately. I just don't really like the attention and pity of everyone in a room. I usually just claim I'm tired or I don't feel well if I'm not masking it enough. I also don't like the fact that if other people can tell I am a little off, it will take away from the positive and fun atmosphere where I am.

My job is quite boring. I mean, I guess I am lucky I get paid to do basically nothing. I just hope when I am older I do something I thoroughly enjoy.

I feel like I don't really belong sometimes as a normal nineteen year old male. Even if I ever said I could "hook up" with a random girl, it's not true at all, I think it's just impossible for me. I guess I just prefer the comfort of knowing you always have someone there for you, it's a lot more satisfying. Then again you could say I wouldn't know because I have never just "hooked up" with anyone. I think I'll stick to my ways, the hopeless romantic that I am. Even if I get bummed out more often. I also realized I don't have a lot of confidence. I never saw myself like that before, but I have recently realized it. I think I genuinely just don't think I am that great of a person, like I'm nothing special. I know that sounds bad but it is the truth.

I need to get my piano tuned, I have been wanting to write some new piano stuff and can't stand the sound of my own playing because it is so awfully out of tune.

let it all out.